I’m sorry

“Then Nathan said to David: You are the man.” 2 Samuel 12:7 (NAB Revised Edition)

“I’ve lost the use of my heart
But I’m still alive
Still looking for the light
And the endless pool on the other side
It’s the wild wild west
I’m doing my best
I’m at the borderline of my faith
I’m at the hinterland of my devotion
I’m in the front line of this battle of mine
But i’m still alive”

Soldier of Love, Sade

The words of Nathan stung as I woke up this morning . They were the first I read. I felt the small twinge of a spiritual knife cut into me. I sat with those words, tossed them around and waited, waited for some deeper message to emerge. But the deeper message was already there behind those simple words, “You are the man.” But the words, they were not directed at David, they were directed at me.

Yesterday, after God told me to remain in what I refer to as my “inner convent” I wrote anyway. I couldn’t stop myself. Sometimes the pain of heart runs deep, so deep that the words have to come out. For me, it is through my writing. I have been refined enough to know to hold my tongue, to take it to prayer. I have succeeded spiritually in not feeling anger towards the other person, but sorrow. And writing for me, like many is a gift that God has given me. That gift was buried deep within me for over twenty years, until the Lord said it was time. It took another year after I found Jesus, or rather Jesus found me that I was able to write. And my words, my words are at His direction, never anything I write myself. But there are sometimes I write, when I shouldn’t, and yesterday was one of them.

I appreciate so much this community of faith. This community of loving believers who offer correction and reproof or just some subtle words that say it all to me. Part of this journey involves being exposed and honest. Being vulnerable before people who I know, and those that I don’t. I am beyond imperfect. But I am eager and hungry to learn and be refined in the fire. So I picked up my cross yesterday and this morning was crucified. How else will I learn?

I am willing to be transparent for the God I love and serve. I am more than sure I have disappointed Him on many occasions. Empathy is something that for the most part I do not struggle with, but others do and I have to understand that. I have a lot of emotional depth and breath to me. Some people do not. I have to respect the way God made them and that God is working on them too, as He is working on me. And it is not my job or position to judge them, but to love them in their imperfect state. Father forgive them for they know not what they do…

And it’s always about me. It’s always about you. If we are willing to be vulnerable and humble and exposed, that crucifixion in our hearts will be all the more sweet. My sin- judgment, maybe yours lack of love. I am humbly sorry to anyone I may have offended. I am also a sinner saved by God’s grace. He chose me to carry His message. And sometimes I am imperfect.

And maybe it’s a message for all of us that write. We are messengers sent to bring a certain message, not our own. God maybe pointing to you and saying, “You are the man.” It is a good time to sit and reflect, to examine your conscience and say, “Yes, Yes I am that man, ” and be refined.

Thank you for allowing me to expose myself, to share my message, for keeping me accountable. May God’s love reign in your hearts always, and may you continue to walk in the light of His love.

What is God’s will for your life?

Amos 2:3, “I will cut off the ruler from its midst, and all the princes I will slay with him, says the Lord.”

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Thank you my friend, see it had its purpose

Are you listening to too many motivational speakers? Faith seminars? Are you busy running around listening to everyone else but God? For weeks God gave me this verse in Amos. I sat with it, hurriedly prayed over it, but alas I left it behind; I had moved onto the next thing.

To hear God we must have a total hollowness, a place that only He can fill, a place where He can reside and live. For so long I would pray, “God, let my will be your will.” I always struggled with that prayer because it never seemed to sit just right in my spirit. I could never be on the same page as God.

So I sat with this verse again and again looking at it from a purely fleshly, worldly point of view.  I didn’t want to hear what God had to say because I thought I knew anyway. So I pushed it aside again and again until I became consumed and miserable. God, why won’t you move me? You placed this gift within me, why are you making me suffer?

We all have a gift that God has given us, and I believe to some degree we are all using it, whether we are aware of it or not. But when God resurrected my gift it almost became a curse to me. Well God, you reignited this desire, why then why is it not going anywhere? I would hear these messages that I dreamed too small or my faith was just not big enough and I’d torture myself with them. Over and over again I would say, “God, why? God move me! I just can’t take it anymore.” It became borderline obsessive to the point I concentrated only on that thing He had placed so deeply in my heart.

“I will cut off the ruler from its midst” (NAB Revised)

“I will destroy her ruler” (NIV)

And finally, finally, the word broke free. I had let the gift rule me! I had focused and concentrated all of my attention on it, hoping praying that my pleas to God would be heard. But by shifting my attention, I made it my ruler. Our gifts should never rule us, only He is allotted that special place.

So I sat with that as I listened to Him. I thought of all the mornings where I would blindly just open the readings for the day, the devotion for the day and they were just words. I didn’t ask Him first what I should be reading, which reading was for me. I focused on what I wanted to hear and couldn’t and wouldn’t accept His will. I don’t for one minute think I did it on purpose. For most of us, it is through this refinement process where we find truth.

I don’t believe now that my will will ever be his will completely. I am after all still made of flesh and bone. And if He really felt that way, He would have included that verbiage in the Lord’s prayer; but that’s not what it says. It simply says, “Your will be done.”

And I have to believe He knows better than me. And I have to believe that He wouldn’t have given me a gift just to sit stagnant. And I have to know time is eternal and that the Holy Spirit is real, and that if I really wanted to I could completely immerse myself in Him and accept His will. But not in the way that I was thinking about it before. 

I know now that His will is greater than mine will ever be, that He must be the ruler. There is something so sacred and sweet about knowing I can completely surrender to that, wake up tomorrow and say, Lord, what do you want me to read, what do you want me to do? We all can have that freedom, if we empty our prayer closets in that way, there is so much more room to fill them.

Father,

I crave your will and want none of my own. Empty me of my own desires so that yours may shine through. Let me surrender gently, knowing that you will catch me. This is the jump, this is the risk, which I know is really not a risk at all.

In Jesus name,

Amen