I’m sorry

“Then Nathan said to David: You are the man.” 2 Samuel 12:7 (NAB Revised Edition)

“I’ve lost the use of my heart
But I’m still alive
Still looking for the light
And the endless pool on the other side
It’s the wild wild west
I’m doing my best
I’m at the borderline of my faith
I’m at the hinterland of my devotion
I’m in the front line of this battle of mine
But i’m still alive”

Soldier of Love, Sade

The words of Nathan stung as I woke up this morning . They were the first I read. I felt the small twinge of a spiritual knife cut into me. I sat with those words, tossed them around and waited, waited for some deeper message to emerge. But the deeper message was already there behind those simple words, “You are the man.” But the words, they were not directed at David, they were directed at me.

Yesterday, after God told me to remain in what I refer to as my “inner convent” I wrote anyway. I couldn’t stop myself. Sometimes the pain of heart runs deep, so deep that the words have to come out. For me, it is through my writing. I have been refined enough to know to hold my tongue, to take it to prayer. I have succeeded spiritually in not feeling anger towards the other person, but sorrow. And writing for me, like many is a gift that God has given me. That gift was buried deep within me for over twenty years, until the Lord said it was time. It took another year after I found Jesus, or rather Jesus found me that I was able to write. And my words, my words are at His direction, never anything I write myself. But there are sometimes I write, when I shouldn’t, and yesterday was one of them.

I appreciate so much this community of faith. This community of loving believers who offer correction and reproof or just some subtle words that say it all to me. Part of this journey involves being exposed and honest. Being vulnerable before people who I know, and those that I don’t. I am beyond imperfect. But I am eager and hungry to learn and be refined in the fire. So I picked up my cross yesterday and this morning was crucified. How else will I learn?

I am willing to be transparent for the God I love and serve. I am more than sure I have disappointed Him on many occasions. Empathy is something that for the most part I do not struggle with, but others do and I have to understand that. I have a lot of emotional depth and breath to me. Some people do not. I have to respect the way God made them and that God is working on them too, as He is working on me. And it is not my job or position to judge them, but to love them in their imperfect state. Father forgive them for they know not what they do…

And it’s always about me. It’s always about you. If we are willing to be vulnerable and humble and exposed, that crucifixion in our hearts will be all the more sweet. My sin- judgment, maybe yours lack of love. I am humbly sorry to anyone I may have offended. I am also a sinner saved by God’s grace. He chose me to carry His message. And sometimes I am imperfect.

And maybe it’s a message for all of us that write. We are messengers sent to bring a certain message, not our own. God maybe pointing to you and saying, “You are the man.” It is a good time to sit and reflect, to examine your conscience and say, “Yes, Yes I am that man, ” and be refined.

Thank you for allowing me to expose myself, to share my message, for keeping me accountable. May God’s love reign in your hearts always, and may you continue to walk in the light of His love.

5 thoughts on “I’m sorry

  1. Well Mary, this is quite an interesting journey, isn’t it? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve charged off in the wrong direction a bit like the young Peter, all full of enthusiasm, yet missing the larger point of what our Lord was trying to teach me!

    Yet even in those times, he is the embodiment of love, welcoming me back to the right path with a wink and a smile that seems to say, “OK, got it now?”.

    Our CSF journey is another interesting classroom for each of us as we learn (hopefully) to accept our diversity of background, traditions, culture and viewpoints; I think this as much as anything, is a laboratory for finding out just how wide and deep grace really is!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Neat! He has grounded my writing twice so far. Hurt each time. Sometimes I am not sure if I listen less well nowadays. There are some days when I think I hear a faint “not yet” as I press Publish.

    Thank you for this post ((hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

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