Some of us are drowning slowly, others more quickly. But we are quick to give some cliché argument or make assumptions about those of us who ask questions or need to break through our emotional walls to reach the other side. I write stream of consciousness, and I write with no filter. God doesn’t have one, so I figure I don’t need one either.
I don’t need your approval to be me. I don’t think I’m right about what I believe. I don’t see my denomination as having superiority over your denomination or your no denomination at all. I just see me, trying to be. Something I don’t see a lot of people trying to be…themselves.
I deleted my last post, well because I was frustrated. I was frustrated that people thought maybe I wanted them to agree with everything I said or that people should believe that Catholicism is the only truth, or that I needed a cheerleader to tell me I was good enough. It was actually none of that. Some people got it, others didn’t. Maybe I was too honest, maybe I wasn’t honest enough.
For me, this blog is not about Catholics, or Christians or atheists or anything like that. You can call yourself whatever you want, that doesn’t mean that is what you are. And for that matter, what does that mean anyway? If I followed humans around, I’d be dead or in jail by now, or a complete idiot. People have had so many opinions about my life, too many to count. I’m sure the same goes for you. Some of us are still caught up in all of that, most of us are caught up in all of that. Since becoming a Christian, I’ve said “no” more than I’ve said “yes”. I’ve walked away from more things than I can count. I’ve let people go who I just couldn’t hold onto anymore. This is the gospel, doing what He says, without a label or your expert opinion. Maybe some of you get it, maybe some of you don’t, and I’m o.k with that.
If there’s one thing that I have learned from recovery, it’s that I need to feel my feelings. I need to scream, and feel my pain and purge my feelings and be angry… with God, with hypocrites, with whoever. I lived my life as a robot before Christ, I cut away at my pain in unhealthy ways. It took Jesus to get me healthy. And so God asked me, why are you writing in the first place?
So I went back to the beginning. Why was I writing? Certainly not to please anyone. I was writing because God freed me from a lifetime of slavery. From living in a prison. The abuse, it will always be what happened, but it doesn’t define me, no, God defines who I am.
And God gave me a voice, gave me a platform, let the little girl out, let the hurting girl out, gave me a unique place in the Kingdom to be brutally honest about my struggles and to say things that most other people can’t or don’t want to say. People who have been abused,who are hurting, who are in pain, who have experienced tragedy don’t need you to tell them to trust God more, to pray more. These things are hurtful to them. They need you to get real with them, where it hurts, talk about the hard stuff. In life and in my walk with Christ, and especially in recovery, I have found that the only way to survive is to allow yourself to experience the pain and hurt you are told not to feel. I was allowed to feel that for the first time in my life two years ago. Had I not been able to do that, I would not be where I am today. Healthy, able to talk about it, able to stand up for myself and for the people who across this globe don’t need you to tell them to love God and get over it. That’s not love, no, that’s not love at all.
Maybe it’s time for us to get out of our Christian bubbles and pretty churches and do something about all of these hurting people. They are straight and gay and transgender and black and white and everywhere in between. They are all over the blogosphere, if you look for them. They want to be loved and accepted just like you and me. But some are not strong enough, and are dying on our watch, and we are responsible. We are very responsible.
So stop putting in tags like “Christian” and “Catholic” and the like tonight. Go search for tags of people you normally would not follow or communicate with. I know one tonight who is dying as we speak, because well, he could never quite get through the pain in his heart, never did get that acceptance or understanding. Maybe you could have done that for Him. Maybe you didn’t.
I could take a sabbatical and not write how I feel, but then what is the point of this blog? None really. No point at all…
And Lord, please let him live, don’t let him die. I know He can hear your voice, though he may not be able to hear mine. Let him know he is loved by you. And if it’s your will Lord, let him let me in.