I have tried but I don’t fit


Politics, religion and money- the three things we are expressly told not to talk about. I talk about all three, all the time. I have had this blog for some time now and it has been the bane of my existence. I’ve begged God to make me more normal in some way, that I could ride off into the sunset in my little Jewish world and forget all this putting myself out there stuff. Until I realize that I have been putting myself out there way before Jesus came on the scene. Like the first time I almost went to jail for defending my client’s right to a hearing. My boss at the time gave me the best advice I’ve ever gotten in my whole career that I have lived and died by. With my tear-stained face he took a hold of me and said, “Melissa, if you are not pissing someone off, you are not doing your job.” I dried my eyes and went back to court ready to go to jail if I had to. Needless to say, I didn’t end up in the clank that night.

I must admit  how apprehensive I have been in so many ways to voice my inner Jesus. It is quite unpopular as many of my views often are. I always seem to find myself on the other end of the argument. A team of angry ones over there and me over here. But I’ve never left the truth. I’ve stood by it, always. And now I know that truth is Jesus.

Recently, God has called me to higher places, to run with horses, to reach farther in my walk of faith than I ever have before. He’s let me play nice for a while, placate people, walk the line. I know I’ve been teetering. The Catholic thing I know got many people who know me or read me off course. People were shocked. I wasn’t. My road has always taken me places that were never in the cards. Well, at least not the cards I had in my hands.

I’ve been successful in keeping my two worlds somewhat separate. It was o.k to be like that, to be me in my secular life, but not in my Christian life. But those two lives were slowly merging. Ok, they were crashing. God warned me, and Kim Davis took the first hit.

I know some of what I write puzzles some of you who are Christians, maybe it bothers you. In my life and in my walk my intention is never to bother anyone. My intention is to tell the truth as I see it, and respect and know that I will have opposition. I experience it everyday in my “real” life. But as the sign on my desk reads, Footprints in history aren’t made sitting down.”

So my secular life, the blog, my walk, my freelancing is all coming to a crashing, mangled, uncomfortable head. This is who God made me. I want to sit in the corner and cry over it, why can’t I just be somewhere in the background? Hey God, why not that stay at home mom thing you and I talked about it? The more I pray for some sort of normalcy, the more he pushes me from behind into an endless ocean. To give Him some credit He warned me, and I told Him I’d rather jump willingly. But I needed a little nudge, and I got it, so here I am.

The two lives I have cannot just co-exist they must co-mingle. That whole separate but equal thing is a lie from the pit of hell. We have to be who we are 100% of the time, and if I can’t be me than I can’t be a follower of Jesus, because to follow Him means to walk in truth twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I’m sick of being afraid of what people, especially Christians think of me. We as a group don’t know how to get along or how to fight fair, and we certainly don’t know how to disagree. When I read something someone else wrote that bothers me, the first thing I think is, well why is that? Usually it has something to do with me, though I don’t of course want to admit that. But as Christians, haven’t we learned by now that it is always about us? 

It is painfully tiring to be someone else, so I’m just going to be me, I have no choice. If I’m not obedient, than I’m not all in. And two years ago I told Him I’d be all in. I told Him if He saved me, I’d serve Him for the rest of my life , and I meant it. And He saved me, He saved my whole life, every part of it. I am alive because of Him, so I owe Him everything, and He’s the only one I have to please.

I hope for those of you out there, whatever you call yourselves, atheist, Christian whatever you are, you stay on the path to find the truth. Be yourself always. People don’t like what you have to say, so what, love them anyway, that’s what Mother Teresa did. It never bothered her, even when people spit in her face. I am far from Mother Teresa, but I’d like to be just like her. I hope if you spit in my face, I can get on my knees and pray for you, right in front of you, or maybe just give you a hug. That is the essence of my savior. And oh, He is the essence of who I want to be.

We don’t need to pretend to be someone we are not or say we’ll pray for someone when we don’t feel moved to do that. We have to live an honest, pure and truthful life, guided by the Holy Spirit and all that God is. How ever will people see God if we are anything else?

I imagine myself sometimes quiet, walking away from everything, living my little life with my little family, punching a clock from 7-3 and doing it again the next day. For some, that’s quite alright. But for me, my insides were just not created like that- pre or post Christ. You may not understand me, but I wouldn’t necessarily expect you too. I’m not trying to be understood, I’m just living the way He’s told me to live. Out loud.

Pass this on to the one that’s struggling to just be themselves.

10 thoughts on “I have tried but I don’t fit

  1. Wow! I like you. Just came across this…little doubt we would vehemently disagree on stuff if we sat down and talked, but I like you. I know you don’t need that or even want it, but you’re refreshing regardless!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Melissa, as I read this He just repeated “I Am” over and over. Like we missed the most obvious statement of all.

    I Am.

    Not I am trying really hard, nor I am trying to be something I think I should be, or you think I should be, something someone else is already.

    I Am.

    Thank you. I have never seen that “name” as a simple truth. Always a name – a label – like mine. Paul. Doesn’t really make a statement. BUT I Am is what He is and what He hopes for each of us. I am me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Great post Melissa – “When I read something someone else wrote that bothers me, the first thing I think is, well why is that? Usually it has something to do with me, though I don’t of course want to admit that. But as Christians, haven’t we learned by now that it is always about us? ” Boy was that truth. Thank you for your candidness and your heart. Love it – love you.
    cate b

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Was looking through some of the posts of this new-found “church” and saw the title and was intrigued. You know Sis, I hope I can call you Sis (in Christ) because I sense Him there, but our Heavenly Father doesn’t expect any of us to be cookie-cutter versions of each other. He created us, He calls us, if He wants us to change, He has the power to see it done! I learned a long time ago (here comes a cliché) “to let go and let God!” Sounds to me that’s what you are doing!
    The Lord impressed upon me and my wife many years ago, call it a vision a dream whatever, it was vivid, “to not go with the flow” and He showed us as fish swimming AGAINST the school. Since then, we have tried to be true to Him and not worry what man says or thinks and especially when it comes to “religion!”
    We have learned to love, to agree to disagree on some issues (not that we go there much) and to just LOVE others. When we started “practicing” that, we found anything that caused (at least major) disagreements, was that important in the eternal scheme of things anyway!
    Am glad I read your post. I truly look forward to more from you! We never get to the point where we can’t learn from each other. I’ve been in ministry of one type or another for decades (yeah I’m OLD) and I still learn and get inspired and lifted up! That’s why I like this “blogosphere” media!! God bless Sis, in your walk, in your service (ministry) to others and to the Lord! May you experience ABUNDANT blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m glad you are back Melissa! You are right He is the only one you have to please.
    As I work (it is work) through my healing I will be praying for yours too. We are who we are because of what we have been through. God takes our broken places and makes something beautiful. It doesn’t feel very beautiful in the midst of it all, but if we could stand back and view our life from God’s perspective, we would know that it is beautiful.
    There are so many other broken people out there who need to hear the things the Lord gives us to say. Something to give them hope. I’m glad you are back and I look forward to reading what you have to say, whatever it is.

    Liked by 1 person

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